Weapons of Mass Destruction

Clean Sweeps Char Gillian and Toty Farkwark, McDonald’s original Grab a Bucket and Mop Brigade, pictured back in the day when Happy Meals were served on Ronald’s mother’s good Haviland.

CALLING ALL microfictionados!
Welcome to another fun-loving chapter of

microfiction Monday,

sponsored by our hostess with the mostess Miss Susan at Stony River, where the good-natured pandemonium is all about a picture painting 140 characters or even fewer!

Giacobe LaMotta, better known as Jake LaMotta and nicknamed “The Raging Bull." <--For more flash tale fun, click “Bull” or the side-barring mM button-->

Here’s
THIS WEEK’S IMAGE
and
MY STORY:

“Where’s the China shop?!” Phil again angrily demanded. “What's up with this crummy little town? Nobody’s willing to give us directions!” –137 characters

SIX WORDS:

You break it, you buy it.

BY THE BY: My last week's microfiction blog entry's caboose intentionally stole a smitch of your time to tell you something I like about my head; how it works, that is. Before this flash tale Monday entry begins its close, and so as not to jumble you in case you missed my excuse for posting yet another quote from Jack Handey (November 20th installment), God love him and so do I! spillthebeans, here goes that whatsup again --because, hey, I of all people wouldn't want to confuse you. (P.S. "Spillthebeans"? The "whatsup"? People who overindulge in made-up words can be so, I don't know...ANNOYING! Yes, it's true. I even make me sick somethimes. LOL!):

ON MOST occasions, meaning whenever I am observing something; reading an article or a book; anytime when I’m not suppose to be allowing myself to be distracted; or merely breathing in and out, a Jack Handey quote related to what’s going on comes to the top!

YEP, MORE OFTEN than not, my brain will immediately do a cross-reference and display an appropriate Handeyism on my internal crawl. (<--SparkleFarkled word. Feel free to use it. <--It's my pre-Holiday gift to you!) Yeah, whether it targets the situation entirely, or merely focuses on just a minuscule part of it, a saying by the Patron Saint of Deep Thoughts will pop up in m' hade like a buoy let loose from under tah water! W-what? You don’t have an internal crawl?! *completely astounded, scratches head* I thought everyone had an internal crawl ...!? Nevertheless, I guess, here’s this week’s microfiction’s “Jack”:

"Bull in a China Shop" by audacious artist Dana Ellyn, originally downloaded by WeLoveDC. com. For a steady feed of Miss Ellyn's divinely irreverent and down right punny, click HERE.

"INSTEAD OF BUILDING newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have. --Jack Handey

Swept awayly,
SparkleFarkle~~~~~*

Rest in peace, Molly and ZuZu.

Be My Guest, Have a Bird!

I KNOW I’m a smitch ahead of

Like I've been sidebar-saying, the “dressing” is my favorite part of Big Bird Day!-->
the "game"
when I say

Have a super Thanksgiving!

Warning! Warning! Warning and DUCK! (<-- another "game" piece some of you March to a Different Thanksgiving Din-Din Tuners might be feasting on, come Thursday) I'm about to Two Birds with One Stone it: AND BECAUSE I no-doubt-about-it will be elbow-deep in the Black Friday swarm (I already have the happy shakes just thinking of all the fun and frenzy ahead!) during the time when I should be reverently presenting my regularly scheduled fare, Jack’s arrival comes early as well:

HAPPY
Jack Handey
FRIDAY!

Yes, that fresh-from-the-can cranberry “sauce” (front and center, naturally) will once again be my contribution to our annual pilgrimmy feedbag. Ahhh! Raise a glass to (ONE WORD:) Tradition!

“IF YOU’RE AT THANKSGIVING dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, 'Boy, these are good cigars!'” --Jack Handey

Don’t let me gobble up all your timely,
SparkleFarkle~~~~~*

Rest in peace, my Mollo and Zuzie. We miss you.

Image Credits:
Vintage Thanksgiving Postcard: Corbis.com
Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, 1940s, original download: DesignRelated
Thanksgiving table about-to-be: Squidoo.com

All She Wants Tah Do Is Ride Around (Ride, Sally Ride!)

(THE APOLOGY: Sorry to be posting this so early, but it's now or neverly.)

Wilson Pickett, born In the Midnight Hour in the Land of 1000 Dances and once resided on Funky, Funky Broadway, would live long enough to sing about it. (March 18, 1941 – January 19, 2006)

CALLING ALL microfictionados!
Welcome to another fun-loving chapter of

microfiction Monday,

sponsored by our hostess with the mostess Miss Susan at Stony River, where the good-natured pandemonium is all about a picture painting a 140 characters or even fewer! (For more flash tale fun, click the side-barring mM button-->)

Here’s
THIS WEEK’S IMAGE
and
MY STORY:

“Always a hat rack, never a hat...” grumped forever-wallflower Mustang Sally.
–77 characters

Yes, those are antlers Mustang Sal-gal's sprouting.
Unfortunately, they are the equivalent of a human female having
(OH, NO! -->) a moustachio!

CAN I HAVE a moment of your time to tell you something I like about my head? How it works, that is. Here goes: on most occasions, meaning whenever I am observing something; reading an article or a book; anytime when I’m not suppose to be allowing myself to be distracted; or merely breathing in and out, a Jack Handey quote related to what’s going on comes to the top!

YEP, more often than not, my brain will immediately do a cross-reference and display an appropriate Handeyism on my internal crawl. Yeah, whether it targets the situation entirely, or merely focuses on just a minuscule part of it, a saying by the Patron Saint of Deep Thoughts will pop up like a buoy let loose under water! W-what? You don’t have an internal crawl?! *completely astounded, scratches head* I thought everyone had an internal crawl ...!? Nevertheless, I guess, here’s this week’s microfiction’s “Jack”:

“I SAW this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence.” –Jack Handy

IN CONCLUSION,
FIVE perpetually-said WORDS from

my childhood best friend’s
ultra-"happy” mom,

who always wore pearls, high heels and a marvelously full-skirted dress while she did her housework. Always. (“You’re not fooling me, Mrs. Schmitt,” I would uncomfortably think to myself, smelling one of those rotten in Demark deals. “Something’s definitely not right with this picture.”):

“Oh deer dear, have another beer!”

Bottoms uply,
SparkleFarkle~~~~~*

Sleep peacefully, my Mollo and Zuzie.

Cartoon Credit: CartoonStock.com

Don’t Look Now, But I Think My GPS Is Driving Me Insane!

HAPPY
Jack Handey
FRIDAY,
pals o’ mine!

Bo Bice, American Idol Season Four Runner-Up to Carrie Underwood and the inspiration behind her second single from her debut album, Some Hearts.

“AS THE LIGHT changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.” --Jack Handey

MAN, OH, man, it's been kerazy this week! So, since I’m feeling totally unsound, that’s it. That’s all I got. Uh-huh and sorry. I’m just too too cuckoo birdy to take it any further. *straining under the pressure, manages to eke out one last thought. And, oh, what a treat! It’s Country and Western!* Yep, right about now a twanging Carrie Underwood couldn’t have put it better:

FOUR WORDS:

"Jesus, take the wheel!"

I am definitely spent, how ‘bout youly,
SparkleFarkle~~~~~*

Rest in peace, my Mollo and Zuzie.

Magic Carpet Ride...Sort Of

CALLING ALL microfictionados! Welcome to another fun-loving microfiction Monday looksee, sponsored by our hostess with the mostess Miss Susan at Stony River, where the good-natured pandemonium is all about a picture painting a betweenable 140 characters or even fewer! (For more flash tale fun, click the side-barring mM button-->)

PUTTING a licked finger to the page, turning us to the next chapter of this happy-start-to-any-week meme, I am reminded of comedian Richard Lewis' bit about being honest with children. Namely: his uncle's neutered toupée:

Jokes.com
Richard Lewis - Unfit Parent
comedians.comedycentral.com
Funny Jokes Funny Videos Daniel Tosh Stand-Up

YEP.
Toupée, periwig, hairpiece, peruke...rug.

Rug!
YES! Now we're talking: RUG!
'Cause that's what's on my mind. Exactly.
(NOTE: On my mind,

not on my head.)

THIS WEEK’S IMAGE and MY STORY:

And a time came when Throw Rug Salesmen were a dime a dozen. “Too many ‘cooks',” Juan thought to himself, contemplating a career move. –138 characters

TWELVE WORDS (Consparklefarkius say:)

It is better to cut a rug
rather than to wear one.

Love, SparkleFarkle~~~~~*

Rest in peace, my Mollo and Zuzie

Foul Play Or “Mommy, Is Celia a Poultrygeist?”

HAPPY
Jack Handey
FRIDAY!

The never crude, boorish, profane or unpleasant Gene Shalit, whose busy hair and god-awful puns always kept me happy, and who officially put away the popcorn this week after forty-one years as the Today show’s “Critic’s Corner” film reviewer, much rathers the upper lip leech-look. (Best wishes on your retirement, Mr. Puffer Fish!)

“IF I LIVED back in the olden days, and the doctor put leeches on me, I'd tell him to put them on my face, in the shape of a beard, so I could see how I'd look.” –Jack Handey

SPEAKING OF leeches, some of them are downright loveable! Human sponge in point: my waaay-down-the street-and-possibly-from-another-planet neighbour, who just called to announce she’ll be here any minute now to borrow something. We like to refer to dear, sweet <--yes, no matter what, each and every one of us Farkles does keep a very warm spot in our hearts for this woman--> Celia’s such visits as her pulling a “Here for the Whole Bird.” Because if she comes to borrow a cup of sugar, she’ll take the whole bag. If she needs a stamp. “better make it the book.” Or, the actual inspiration behind the event’s clevah label: if it’s one egg she’s lacking, she’ll basket the dozen!

I REMEMBER it like it was yesterday (In fact it was just “yesterday” AGAIN, just yesterday, since Celia’s knock is on the door routinely Thursday mornings to deja vu a "cluck" heist.): After bidding In-Need-of-Only-One-Egg Celia a fond farewell, and then courteously closing the front door behind her and the carton of eggs that she had moments ago lifted from our fridge,

Image Credit: folkmanis.com
my daughter Puppet

quickly ran to the livingroom window, where she further watched Celia merrily plodding (<--not an oxymoron, as she genuinely walks this way) back to her house with The Goods in tow. Awestruck, Puppet turned to me and said:

“Mom, Celia took the whole Chicken!”

SIX WORDS:

PHOTO CREDIT: gettyimages

Out of the mouth of babes!

Which came first, the chicken, the egg, or Celia?-ly,
SparkleFarkle~~~~~*

Rest in peace, my Mollo and ZuZu.

Cereal Killer

CALLING ALL microfictionados!
Welcome to another fun-loving chapter of

microfiction Monday,

sponsored by our hostess with the mostess Miss Susan at Stony River, where the good-natured pandemonium is all about a picture painting a betweenable 140 characters, or even fewer! (For more flash tale fun, click the side-barring mM button-->)

Here’s
THIS WEEK’S IMAGE
and
MY STORY:

“Grampa’s full of crap,” thought Mary Lou. It hadn’t “just rained Wheaties" and ”merely walkin' through ‘em” wasn’t going to “end her up on a box.” –147 characters

NOW THERE'S

something I never tried.

I’ve never had myself a bowl of Wheaties. Or did gymnastics either, for that matter. Not even a bite. Not even a hop, skip, or a jump. I’ve never been what you’d call athletic, or physical, or into sweating (not even to The Oldies --> Sorry, Richard.) And, quite frankly,

“IF GOD HAD wanted us to bend over,
He would have put diamonds on the floor." --Joan Rivers

I‘ve never wanted to be. So, why would I eat Wheaties, if I don’t have to --or haven't any big desire for a spoon of them? Sounds pretty risky to me, because something like that could easily backfire.

THREE WORDS:
I’m just saying.

Jumping for joy is exercize-ly,
SparkleFarkle~~~~~*

Sweet dreams, Mollo and ZuZu.
P.S. Can you give me some sort of sign? Thanks!
P.P.S. Why can't all cats be like you?

You are Cordially Invited!

“IF YOU’RE traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it?” –Jack Handey

IS THE NOT knowing what to turn your
leftover Halloween candy into,

driving you

batty?

Well, do I ever have a ticket
out of the belfry for you, my friend!
-And at my house, it even counts as

breakfast!

YEAH, IT’S EARLY yesterday morning when I had my ear to the radio, listening for the highly-anticipated announcement as to when the station was going to begin piping nothing but Christmas music (all the way up to the day of days and, hopefully, stretching the airwaves that much further with carols playing through New Year’s Day, because, hey, that’s never to soon and long enough for me!), when the DJ interjects with these two marvelous recipes:

DEAD-SIMPLE CANDY CORN DRINKS (<–otherwise known as candy corn vodka and candy corn cordials)

WHAT you’ll need:

For the infused vodka:
* 1/2 cup candy corn *
1 1/2 cups vodka

For the cordials:
* 2 ounces orange liqueur
* Juice of 1/2 lemon
* 1 large egg white
* candy corn, for garnish

GET to it:
To infuse the vodka with a candy corny taste, combine the candy corn and vodka in an airtight container. Stand it alone for least 3 hours. (Hm. You’re right. Three hours does sound like an awfully long time... but I it’s worth it, I tell ya, it’s worth it!-->) Strain and throw back!

To make the cordial, add 4 ounces of the candy corn vodka, the orange liqueur, lemon juice and egg white to a cocktail shaker filled with ice. Shake vigorously for at least 30 seconds (<– If you were able to endure those three hours-plus while the vodka “cooked,” this is nothing.). Strain into 2 chilled martini glasses and garnish with candy corn! (<– Optional: Although sunken niblets make for a sweet and fancy touch that might be right up some of our alleys, if you already own the label "boozer," be careful not to choke.)

FIVE WORDS:

Good to the last drop!

ONE FOR the road? *although judgemental fingers do not point, eyes laugh-out-loudy roll at possible lushes* Another Handeyism, that is:

“AS I STOOD there looking at the beautiful waterfall, I wondered how may other people had stood there, and how many had candy corn "teeth" sticking out between their lips like I did.” –Jack Handey

(Just to play it safe, I’m making these a part of my daily menu,
to insure my palate is properly accustomed to them by Thanksgiving, of course.)
Bottoms up-ly,
SparkleFarkle~~~~~*

Rest peacefully, my Mollo and ZuZu.

Image Credits:
Candy Corn Dress-Uporiginally downloaded at totallylookslike.icanhascheezburger.com/
Candy Corn Breakfast originally pictured at thimbleanna.com/
Candy Corn Martini Image originally downloaded at GroupRecipes.com/
Good to the Last Drop: TheKitchn.com/
Flower-Powered Toothy Grins: MyFoodLooksFunny.com/